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Recently, one of my former classmates posted the following interesting, compelling and controversial question and invited others to submit their comments, opinions, thoughts, etc. I commend him for displaying such bravery and openness and wanted to share with my readers what my thoughts on the question of What is the legitimate “excuse” a talented grand child has for not performing at a family celebration for their Grand Mother? (Plz do not hold back your comments).  Unfortunately, as much as I would like to, I have decided against publishing the comments made by others as their permission was neither sought nor received. I would therefore limit my comments to what I have said, but will admit that one colleague in particular, passionately disagreed with my position on the issue. Here are my reasons and subsequent responses to my former colleague’s question.

 ”Before I attempt to answer your question I must first take issue with the phrase “legitimate ‘excuse’ “. These words, in and of themselves, speak to the issue of coercion or should I say, emotional blackmail requiring that individual to “perform”. However, allow me to offer this in answer to your question; the reasons can be many: not feeling well, being put upon, taken for granted, feeling of being paraded in the presence of, being made the object of, for the self-gratification of those who want to see the performance, and the list goes on. You are right, this is a family celebration and if you need performance, then hire a clown.

“Remember NOT wanting to perform, should NOT be seen as disrespect to grandma… This child/individual has the RIGHT to refuse, and no amount of ridicule, emotional blackmail is justified. If he/she wishes to honor or show gratitude or appreciation for that senior member of the family, let it be done on his/her own volition. But the pressure that is brought to bear on that person is a direct violation, regardless of the age, of that person’s right of refusal. So as not to bore you any further, suffice it to say that it is a long held belief and practice, particularly in our culture, that asking our child or grand children to perform at events like these, should be done without question. I vehemently disagree and even strongly suggest that we “legitimately” reconsider that practice. Why put the kid in that position? What legitimate “reason” do the adults have to impose such stress or create an atmosphere of embarrassment? Then why not have everyone “perform” with that child for grandma?

“Not everyone likes to be in the spotlight, and should be made to exercise that right and not be made to feel badly about it. Stop the emotional scarring of our children. Little do we realize what psychological trauma, we are forming in the minds of our children when we force feed the desire to satisfy our self-aggrandizement, by literally manipulating our grandchildren into doing things that may literally scare the living daylights out of them. You asked for candid opinions, so here it is IN A NUT SHELL, deal with it.

It did not end there, rather it opened the flood gates for other comments, some supportive one not. Based on what followed I was prompted to reply with the following and I hope that without the benefit of a particular response, you would be able to glean what was probably said; so I urge you to please read my somewhat terse reply”

“Our grandparents had the distinct privilege of being that. Their roles were to provide for their generation and their generation’s generation. That was their responsibility. We owe them our love, gratitude and respect. We appreciate the roads they have traveled; we cherish the memories and the sacrifices made. Yes we ought to and we honor them. But here is where I make a distinction, and hear me clearly; we DO not have to pay them for what they have done. That was their God given responsibility to provide, not mine, not ours and many of our parents, mine included, have done so with love and much sacrifice, and they have helped to mold me into who and what I am today.  Read more about this on the piece I wrote entitled My Tribute to my Many Grandparents found in my blog at http://www.spicemeg.wordpress.com.

 “And before the onslaught comes, allow me to hastily say that neither of us will ever see our parents in need and not immediately rush to their aid. I contend that forcing someone to do something would negate whatever objective we are trying to accomplish. Ever heard about the little boy who was ordered to sit in a corner as a form of reprimand, but who openly stated in defiance, that while ordered to sit, in his mind, he is still standing. Mandela, though imprisoned for nearly 30 years, was much more of a free man than those who incarcerated him. And finally, we are reminded by Bob Marley, who encouraged us to “emancipate ourselves from mental slavery, non but ourselves can free our minds.”

More support for my argument poured in, but this seemed to raise the ire of the one who did not endorse my line of thinking.  The implication was that we are encouraging a breakdown in our society to which I replied:

“If time permits I will address your comments in full but here is a synopsis… No one is condoning bad behavior or trying to dismantle the pillars on which our principles stand, but I dare say that for too long we were taught to blindly obey without question and this, I now say, has had serious negative results. No one is advocating that we abandon the tenets of moral behavior, but that we take a closer look at, a revisiting of sorts, what we were taught and allow those teachings to stand muster. If you keep running into a wall and getting the same results, would you not pause and reflect, think about a more effective (less painful and costly, even fatal approach?).

“Let us reason, not dictate. Let us deliberate not be dogmatic, let us have conversation not condescending attitudes; there is always a better way. Let us open up the avenues for discussion and healthy discourse, allowing the expression of self, and differences of opinions, with respect. They are people, too, with rights. I am a pupil of the old school, proud to be, but was our parents always right in the ways they operated or even disciplined us? NO, that was the best they knew how. I readily admit that the way we help mold our children, with the given parameters, will determine their outcome. If we don’t engage our children in thoughtful, substantive dialogue, then we are a people most miserable. We need to train, teach, prepare, educate, and involve them in critical thinking…. but with boundaries…. I do not wish to monopolize this discussion, so my apologies if it appears so. Much love to all.”

Now I welcome your comments….

A Song of Survival and Success

He lived a life of deprivation and of poverty always needing

He lived a life void of the warmth and trust that others know

He needed attention

He lived a life in a world of his own

Encased within the walls of brutal darkness and bitter cold

He lived as in a bottomless pit

He lived desperately seeking to raise his head

And to lift his heart and spirit

He longed to taste of nature’s light and air and rain

But how artfully illusive was Mother Nature to this dejected soul

Though fallen daunted not was he

For through the many years of pain and countless bouts of fear

He lives to tell his story to any listening ear.

And now he lives 

Having broken free from the shackles of the past to start anew

He lives ‘cause deep within the recesses of his heart

Are those yet unconquered goals

The goal to win, to acquire, to succeed, to share

The goal to love and to be loved.

Yes.  He lives to fulfill those raging desires.  The desire to have, to own

To build a future and to savor the taster of the good life;

A life such as he had never known before

He now lives the life that he longed for and loves the life that he lives.

                                                                                   © 2004 Witfield Felix